Just a week more and the semester is over! Yippee!!!

So much has been accomplished... and yes, I have learned much about so very many things!!!

No, I'm not kidding!

I can't wait for the next step to present itself to me.

I refuse to let students/teachers/annoyin g people bother me today. 

No one has responded to the last few of my blogs... so I guess this has become a solo-personal journaling project.  Who knew!

Two things:

1. I'm going to Disneyland.

2. Keep the balance.

I have noticed... despite all of my talk/belief about never being stuck...I am feeling very stuck right now! The muck is very, very thick. I feel as if I am mid-thigh in quicksand. There is still hope for me to pull myself out, but it will take much strength. I need to gather up all of my power and make the move. To be honest, I am very, very tired of being dissatisfied. Actually... I am more than tired, I am exhausted. I am crying much too much and I am tired of complaining. Breathe.

What is with all of these Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm characters? I think they are all in denial. I am going to teach them how to be sarcastic and cynnical...but I'm not sure they'd get it. Oh well. Their loss. I went to see a friend of mine perform at the Improv. Her set was good... but most of the other people were just dull. I guess complacency has taken over the comedy stage just as it has taken over much of the rest of the working world. People are afraid to do something different... and right now, I cannot blame them--- at least not entirely. Making a statement can be painful... but it can also be freeing... enlightening...powerful. I wonder if I need to continue to make statements... where is it getting me?

A bit of wisdom/guidance came to me through a co-worker... and I wonder if I should apply what she said to my life. She said she keeps a low profile. Is it possible for me to keep a low profile? HA! That's definitely something to think about/try. Believe it or not... I used to be quiet and shy... I don't know what happened... but I do know that the phrase, "You can never go home again" keeps coming to mind.

Two things:

1. Do NOT attend upcoming department meeting. Let them give me demerits. Go report me to the gestapo...

2. I haven't been absent at all this semester... I think I will take a few days off for my own peace of mind.

I don't know if I have anything more to blog about... but I do know that I have another blog due tomorrow.  Maybe as I write I'll figure out what to say.

I have been thinking about my own learning style.. and am again reminded of something my mother told me when I walked out of that radio station a few months ago(I wrote about it in an earlier blog). I seem to need structure and guidelines to follow in order to be creative... don't know what that means... but I'm glad I know. 

The students I teach also have their own learning styles... and I have come to the conclusion that for the particular population I am dealing with...it is good to have that structure to use as a springboard for more intense/creative/ meaningful learning.  Who knows. 

As you can see from my new title, I am tired of being disappointed.  Standards too high? Perhaps.... but the struggle continues.

two things:

1. get stuff done so that my weekend is completely free!!

2. get my anti-oxidants!

Is there really a reason for any of the work I am doing?  Will it make a difference if the students I am teaching know how to solve and graph linear equations?  If they need to pass the high school exit exam, perhaps... but what if the powers that be decide that the exit exam needs to be scrapped again...then...what has been the point of all of my efforts?

I am sitting in homeroom with 40 students who are supposed to be reading silently... many have opted to read the newspaper rather than a book... I say that's fine... as long as they read... but the "official" reading rules say "books and only books."  Well, I'd rather have them reading and happy than reading and feeling tortured.  Forcing students to read when they have no interest or no payoff for their efforts is absolutely pointless.  

Hmmm...both paragraphs are about futility... am I just writing about my true feelings? Is there any payoff for any of my efforts... at work, at csun classes? I know I get payoffs with my family and friends when I put effort into my relationships with them... but those are personal, shared goals.  We all want to achieve the same things....

I guess the bottom line here is: am I that lab rat caught in a cage, running on a wheel... spinning and running ... and going absolutely nowhere?

two required things:

1. options that have come up for me to explore in education:

Educational Presenter? What exactly is this and how does one prepare for this career???

Educational Therapist? No questions just yet... at the early investigative stage...

Educational P.R.? 

2. homeroom is over... bye! 

The Special Ed clerk yelled at me on the phone about some paperwork she had promised to send me for an IEP.  I did not have a copy of it. The original teacher scheduled to hold the IEP did not have it. So she yelled at me. And unbelievably, I started crying on the phone during a break between classes. I think it was the start of a breakdown. I got it undercontrol before the next class came into the room. 

Yet another SPED teacher spoke to me in the hall about unrealistic expectations from people who have just left the classroom for work in the office.  She told me they seem to have a very short memory of what is expected of us. She was not at the meeting where I was the designated "bad" person...too bad I had to voice an opinion on a day when there was not strong backup.

I told my on-site supervisor that I would not be attending any more department meetings.  She is one of the people who hired me... as I was speaking to her, I began getting weepy again.  She is making a visit later today.  

The message I am getting is becoming crystal clear. 

The best part of this job is working with the students.  They provide me with a constant source of information, wonder, laughter and sometimes, frustration.  Some of the students with the most promise never end up reaching what I see as their true potential.  Many are shaping up this semester and I hope this continues.

One wonderful young lady is transfering schools soon.  She told me that during the interview for this new school, she told them her favorite subject this year was math! Then she told me it wasn't because she likes math any more than she did in the past, but it was because she likes me.  That was a wonderful thing to hear. It is too bad she is leaving this school, but I know she'll do well wherever she lands.

It's good to know that some of what I try to accomplish comes through to the students... I will miss some of them when either they move to the next level, or I find my new place.

Or maybe I won't leave.  I met a teacher I respect (he teaches the autistic inclusion program) while running to get some papers and he told me not to leave the school.  He says that he likes hearing my comments at the meetings and if the people issuing the orders cannot justify their requests, then they need to be questioned.  I told him to sit next to me at the next meeting I attend and pinch me if I get interested or annoyed enough to say something. He also said that much of what they are asking is clerical and is simply not our job.  He recommended picking five of the requested 100 items being requested and possibly attempt those five.  He wrote it off as the bureaucracy and basically told me the same info that Dr. W left as a response to my previous blog.

Two things:

1. stay away from white sugar and white flour.

2. go to accupuncturist

It seems that having an opinion in this department is a very bad thing.  Maybe I need to qualify that.  When I voice my opinion at department meetings that is a very bad thing.

Dr. W advised me not to go to department meetings, and I have stayed away.  However, I needed some information and felt I had to attend a meeting.  The Special Ed. coordinator had started in with her dumping of work on the teachers, and after listening, I said I thought what they were demanding from us was unreasonable.  The rest of the teachers... except for one... just sit there and take this power crazy woman's abuse. I just cannot do that.

So now I am being called a trouble maker and a tempest in a teapot.  One witch said something like, "So you finally show up to a meeting and are rude.  What's your problem?" I wasn't rude! I was offering a different opinion! What's with these fascists who think that different is rude? None of them can control a classroom...why should I listen to them?

My sources tell me that people are not nice. I know that. I know people said mean things about me(I had to leave the meeting early).  What I didn't realize is that they are bigger IDIOTS than I first estimated!!! I problem is that they are idiots with power.

Is my fate here sealed? Should I just walk away from this school? Should I go to another school? Should I say anything to the administrators?  I think the administrators here would go w/ the majority...and I am definitely not in the majority group.

Two things I'm doing for myself:

1. stop worrying about doing these two things

2. investigate options

A student who has officially left my class keeps being sent back.  It seems that his two other SPED teachers are having an extremely difficult time "handling" him, so my class is the dumping ground.  I actually like many things about this young man, but he does have his issues.

I wrote a BSP for this student as part of an assignment for another SPED(402) class, and suggested some of the behavior modification techniques from that plan to these teachers.  They both thanked me, and put some of my ideas to use.  Both reported back that they had better days in class when using these ideas.  I was happy to hear that my ideas worked in their rooms.  However, I just have a feeling in my bones that they are going to lose their respective "cools" and the young man will be back in my class.

The student is just seeking any and all attention possible. He does his work when he is here, but that really does not solve the problem.  What will happen to him if/when he  graduates? What happens to any student with these issues?

Two things:

1. Only attend the faculty meetings I feel I can take.  They are all garbage dumps anyway--- what is the point?

2. clean up my desk.

  I have taken the wise Dr. W's advice and have changed my classroom rules.  They've been pared down to a mere half-dozen, and I am quite pleased with them.  They are all stated in a positive way and are fairly general in content.

 The last rule says "Laugh!" and I mean it. I have decided that I will try to have as much fun as I can in my classes this semester.  This doesn't mean I will be teaching less Algebra or Expos Composition...it just means that I feel comfortable enough and am "lightening up."  That phrase bugs me, but that's what I'm doing.

 I am also allowing for more freedom of expression from the students.  This is not only for their growth, but for my amusement. They'll learn, and I'll be happier!!! Yippee!!

 One of my students paid me an interesting compliment the other day. He said something along the lines of, " why are so many other teachers grumpy?"  This was, of course, after we established that I was not in the grumpy group.  I told him a watered down version of "Men lead lives of quiet desperation" and I hope that answered his question.

No quiet desperation here! Everyone knows when I'm close to being desperate.  Remember, it is/was "desperate but not serious"  a song from my past.  Problems with that idea these days

Two things I'm doing for myself:

1. writing for 1/2 hour 4 times week

2. save more $$-- I seem to be spending too much--- need to find a benefactor---just kidding!

I have once again come to the conclusion that I see everything as either good or bad... black or white... without much room to negotiate...and that is not necessarily healthy.  I like many aspects of this job and I do not think I should just say, "These people are incompetent. I must leave."  Maybe there is something I can do... I'm not completely sure... but I am going to work on this idea.

As I just said, I like many things about this job... but I also dislike many things.  People who know me tell me I'm constantly climbing mountains, only to look around... smell the air... and then, instead of putting down roots... I aim for another mountain. What's up with that?  Maybe this is a lesson for me... maybe not...a pattern to break... or...

Any suggestions?

Have an ab-fab weekend!

Choices to be made:

1. I will not be teaching at the school I am at next year.

2. I may not even be teaching next year.

Told to me often: Sometimes help comes from the most unexpected sources.

Proven true: One of my pals at this school (he's a p.e. coach and the student career adviser) told me that he thinks "it's the school." He suggested I transfer to another school.This came when we were chatting about something else entirely... So, the last few nails are being hammered in this job's proverbial coffin... and I must make plans.

The question of if I should stay in teaching remains. I read all these blogs of people who say they absolutely love teaching and cannot see themselves doing anything else.  Maybe it's age, maybe it's my personality, maybe it's just my life experience... but I can see myself doing many other things.  I must follow my dreams... I've done it many times... I may do it again.

I was also told that if you are not happy with your job at least 60% of the time... you do not have the right job. I'll have to chart my happy time. 

Possible topic for next blog: Pursuit of passion. Does putting the word pursuit in the sentence make the passion karmically unreachable?

two things:

1.  figure out how to legally ditch horrifically boring faculty meetings

2. see two movies in one week!

break's over...

I'm sitting in homeroom, listening to the ridiculous p.a. announcements.  I feel as if I am in a movie... maybe I'm Bette Midler, the wacky, out-there teacher who is going to outsmart the system.  Maybe I'm Sister Mary Ignatious and I'm going to explain everything to the wonderful students.  Or maybe I'm neither one and I'm just going to walk out of this theater of the absurd.

I have no new complaints....  I do not feel like venting.  I have a cold, but I'm in denial about being ill. 

Actually, I learned quite a bit on Monday when I had laryngitis.  The math coach met up with me in the hall and offered to do a coaching session for one of my classes.  He came in and taught the class.  I was impressed with the students--- they all seemed to catch on to the concept. The problem, at least for me, was that he went on for the ENTIRE period!!!! Enough already!!!! I want time to breathe and digest what I've been taught!!! I was fatigued just listening to him... and I already knew what he was talking about.  So here's my lesson--- quit when you are ahead!!! Teach them just one little thing per day and then be quiet!!! Let the students have some breathing time!!! Relax with all of the stuff they are cramming down our throats.  Life goes on.  Maybe we'll all be happier!!!

Two things:

1.  I quit working w/ that trainer.  I don't like his attitude.  I miss my dance classes!!! I will be back at the barre this week!

2. Decide if I'm going to visit one of my best friends and his wife.... will have to take some days off... don't know if I want to visit him... or if I'm just looking to escape for a bit.

The new math coach at this school is absolutely clueless about what goes on in a Special Ed algebra class. Does he really believe I can first show students one method of finding the equation of a line in slope-intercept form, and then turn around and demonstrate yet another method? It is laughable to think he would expect any sort of quality comprehension.

I am happy if the students in my class understand the ideas of slope and intercept—getting them to work the equations is just that extra icing on the cake. Now he’s suggesting that after quickly teaching one method--- I then switch to another method. Why, it’s easy! And simple! It saves so much time!!! We can get higher test scores!!! All for only $19.99!!! Just kidding, it’s free! But this is a one-time offer. If you call during the next 20 minutes, you’ll also get a simplified way of converting fractions to decimals AND a handy, dandy number line. We’ll also throw in some pencils without erasers—you will not be making any mistakes!!!

 Just to change topics for a sentence or two, I’ve been speaking to other Special Ed teachers here---and would you believe that not very many people are happy about the situation in the department. Go figure---and no, I did not mean to have a math pun included in this mess. I suppose I am not alone in my disgust, but that still doesn’t improve the situation.

Two things I'm doing for myself:

1. I ordered a new computer. I really did not want to do this because I do not believe in replacing equipment just because it is not the latest, most up to date style.... but it was time.  I'm told I will really enjoy using the machine. I just feel as though I'm abandoning my old computer.

2. Schedule more friend activities.  The problem here is that often I like spending my free time alone.  I'll just have to see how it all works out.

Twice during the summer, I had the experience of feeling as though I was someone with Special Education needs.  The feeling passed in both cases because my situation changed, but I was still left wondering how people who truly do have special needs must constantly feel.  Are they always aware of the differences that exist? I doubt it.  However, I am sure that often people are more aware of disparity than we can imagine.

I walked away from both situations with an altered perspective. I suppose this changed perspective is a good thing.  But what have I learned?  I have learned that I have my own walls, blocks, and stubborn tendencies.   I have learned that despite having high intelligence test scores (as if that counts for anything), sometimes the “smartest” people in the world can look like they are “slow learners.”

I have also learned that teachers make a big difference.  In one of the situations, a very smart man was trying to teach me how to use a particular computer program.  The more confused I became, the more frustrated he became. Every time I asked for clarification, he simply repeated the same directions, and he just got louder and louder until he was yelling at me.  On one level his inability to get the information across amused me. Of course, neither he nor I were amused when I started getting teary-eyed(actually I was crying).

The moral of the story? You can tell me.  However, my wonderful mother tells me that if I (Simplecomplex) cannot learn something, then there is something wrong with the teacher.  I think I’ll stick with mom on this one.  But what about people who truly have life-long special needs?  Weeping does not solve many problems.

Two things I’m doing for myself:

1.    & nbsp; Since the whole world has lately been telling me that I am too “hard” on myself, I think I will lighten up a bit. I am making an effort to be kinder to myself.

2.    & nbsp;  Increase my time at the gym.

Something in me is crying out for a new job.  The power struggle in this department is disgusting and I want no part of it. I feel I owe it to myself to explore the world outside this campus.

One teacher said an interesting thing to me, and I am wondering what she meant. She told me I was "bigger than this place."  Did she mean I do not belong at this school, and it's obvious? I know she was trying to give me a compliment, but it was odd.

So what am I to do? I do not want to pretend that all is well, because all is not well.  Should I stay in education, but perhaps change the emphasis of my studies, or should I simply move on? Perhaps I should not change anything. I am sorting things out, and looking for my own answers.

I am not going to do anything rash. I must, however, finally come to terms with the way I am feeling.

This semester, I am going to give my students and myself a little break.  This wil only work if they opt to fully cooperate. I am placing less emphasis on tests and homework for grades.  I feel that their participation and our interaction will be a better guide for grades.  I hope it works.

Two things I've done for myself:

1. Reading a book just for fun/relaxation.

2. Mini-Meditations during the day. 

     I feel as though I am being punished for doing my teaching job well.  There are several teachers in my department who are incompetent. To call them incompetent is being nice.  They are weak in curriculum and have absolutely no classroom management techniques.  They yell and scream at their students, call the students names and don't even bother attempting to meet the curriculum requirements. And yet, these teachers are getting the classes and conference periods they requested.  So I have to ask myself why this is occurring.    

     It seems to me that there is quite a bit of cronyism and favoritism in play here.  Not only do I have "seniority" over these buffoons, but I also have a better proven track record.  It has nothing to do with my credential being "inprogress"---some of these idiots are in the same place.It was suggested to me that I bring a "reverse discrimination" action against the deciding powers, but I don't think this is the way to go---at least not yet. So what am I to do? Just sit back and be abused? Open my sometimes uncensored and honest mouth and let the leaders(one is a counseling vice principal) know exactly how I feel and what I think about their incompetence?  The problem is that I do not care to sink to their level. I feel that they should mend their ways without having to be "called" on it. Of course, this will not happen.

     They are just too "street" for me, and I feel I need to move away from this school.  I have always treated people fairly and naively expect the same in return.  I have to call the counseling vice principal on Tuesday. I 'm to let her know my choice---select from the leftover classes they've so kindly offered to me--- or they will select for me. What a crock!  I need to get out of this place! I have a feeling things will not be better at another school.  Or maybe they will. So I must decide: Do I continue with the program I am enrolled in or do I make a change? Do I care enough about completing my credential to stick this out or do I find another job/career program? What exactly are my options?

   I will probably ask this vice principal when I speak to her about my "perception" of favortism.  I really do not care what she has to say about the situation.  She is a perfect example of "The Peter Principle" and everyone knows it.

Any answers/suggestions are gladly welcomed!

Okeydokey---here are two things I have done for myself that have been healthy and rejuvenating:

1. I quit a weekend job I had. It was in the field I worked in before coming to teaching. I did not like the circumstances, pressure or what I was being asked to do(nothing illegal, sorry).  It was like that "huge" weight they always talk about being lifted.  Not only am I sleeping better, but the action of leaving was empowering.

2. I'm working with a "trainer" so that I can have my strong and healthy body back.